Capturing a person in words (an impossibility?)

People expect when they see a short biography a snapshot of a person, a condensed version of a whole. And they expect this version to accurately reflect a person, or simply don’t care if it doesn’t. An ‘About the Author” column of less than three hundred words is expected to describe and contain an entire person. But how? How can such a short piece of space a short statement explain a person? There is only one short statement I can think of that truly encapsulates a person: “I am what I am”. The obsession with brevity with easily summed up explanations, the summaries, the Cole’s Notes if you will of a person.

An author’s leaflet, their three hundred words, does not, and indeed cannot, tell you about them. Their writing will undoubtedly tell you more. I cannot describe myself in words numbering onward past three thousand. I have often mused upon this wondering if it is because I honestly do not know how to define myself, or if it is simply impossible to do so in the written, or spoken word. We can capture events, likes and dislikes. We can capture appearances and even make a shallow dive into the waters of our individuality, but language I believe is not encompassing enough, does not have enough flexibility not does it have the scope or range necessary to define a person. If this is so then it explains why we, human beings, so tied to our language written and spoken long to condense ourselves into a short orderly and understandable entity that fits with what we have constructed around ourselves as our definition of the world. It explains our desire to have others condensed into this format as well. For if we are enigmas unto ourselves than what can be said about the others that we wander among every day these people we pass, we speak to, we notice, we do not notice. Are these attempts to condense a person into words, to use language to give humanity a definable structure… are these made in order to give us a sense of security in that it is possible, that we are not to forever remain a mystery to ourselves? Or is it not for a sense of security it gives us but a grasping at an attempt to find that security?

Anyone, however, who has sat down and tried to write a short biography, whether for a teacher of long times past, for some profile, or for any reason can see immediately the problems inherit in these attempts.

What can be said about yourself what can you say in that blank space that allows you only the luxury of so many characters? You can add an amusing anecdote maybe, give an abbreviated version of your life; tell people what you like or if you prefer what you dislike. But what do these tell you about a person? Nothing more than these outer layers. Many people would disagree with me here saying that these make up what you are that they are deeper than the surface layer that most people consider to be looks…. But what are these things if not appearances in another guise?

Yes, one may like The Lord of the Rings, may describe why, speak of their favourite characters and events… but even then they are bounded by language, by the understanding of the person to which they relate this. And knowing all this does it give you any greater insight as to who that person really is…. And I’m not talking about the oft-told stories of old men pretending to be twelve-year-old girls on the Internet but about the core of a person. And should such things be revealed in any case?

I find myself asking many rhetorical questions on this topic but they are questions I have asked myself many times. (As I have said before, I am sure; I sometimes think that the asking of the questions and the thinking on them is more important than the answers).

Can we abbreviate ourselves into these nice, neat packages and expect some resemblance to ourselves, some truth about who we are enter the page.

I was born and have lived in Edmonton my whole life. I have to younger siblings. I play the violin, like to read books, enjoy writing, and have a strange addiction to tea.

What does this tell you about me? Nothing important, and in fact next to nothing. The only access to the person behind the words is in style and tone. The only hint of me is the extended list (more than the natural three), the faulty parallelism (yes sometimes it’s a stylistic device not just a headache inducer), the interesting addition of a seemingly unrelated fact about me and tea. And even these small windows, tell you very little… very, very little…

Do the author’s explanations on the back of their books reveal anything more than this? I don’t believe they do. Oh you can catch a glimpse of a person through the breaks in their words, but no more than a glimpse. In reading this you will see a small portion of my thoughts, one of many strands of thought going on, as I follow what seems to be one strand there are hundreds of other thoughts being followed less actively by my fingers… and these are inaccessible to anyone, sometimes including myself as they move into the subconscious back drawer of my untidy mind. There are a million occurrences small and large, a million thoughts, happenstances, etc that led me to first catch this thought. There are thousands of small reasons that have me sitting at this computer typing this (though the largest one is a large bout and annoying onset of insomnia). There are other things other sensations, other thoughts traversing my mind that have nothing to do with this musing. There is the music that I am listening to and hum along to absentmindedly, there is the warmth of my cat sitting, curled up on my lap. There are so many details that cannot be transmuted into words, so many things that cannot be related from person to person, so many things that we are not even aware of ourselves…

Perhaps it is this vastness of human nature that leads us towards our preference towards the short and simple… the simple vastness that is our own mind, our own body, our own existence frightens us and so we attempt to shrink it down… make it less than it is so that we can pretend to understand it.

Or perhaps it is laziness that drives us to hide behind few words to describe such a concept.

<> Or perhaps it is simply the desire to fill that empty space on a book’s cover and the brevity forced by that concept.

Or even still it may just be that we do not wish to step from behind the enigma of our words, to reveal the person beneath them, afraid of the reaction of others should we do so… or simply because we enjoy remaining mysterious like many of the characters we write and read about every day.

Human nature – the eternal enigma – why do we do what we do? Why do we feel as we do? Questions that are simple enough to ask, difficult to answer, and even more difficult to wonder about. Our own minds… is it possible to know them, to understand them? And then if we can unlock the key to ourselves is it possible to even contemplate doing so with another person? Are these words these simple, small biographies a means of access, an attempt at access or simply a device that obscures the whole making it easier for us to believe that we can make sense of ourselves.

Words I do not believe can truly be the window to a person’s self…. Though I often wonder if they cannot help show us the way when used carefully rather than being thrown, tossed back and forth as carelessly as a small child (or myself) blows the seeds of a dandelion over the lawn. It is a conundrum we face in this pursuit for how to describe ourselves.

I have frequently called myself “one big bag of contradictions” and I truly do feel like this often. I laugh and cry at the same time, I feel tired yet wide-awake, I am quiet yet loud. But these are simply surface… I feel quite often at odds with myself unsure of which dichotomy I favour or indeed prefer… it is why writing a simple position paper often proves difficult… not the writing, no that is the easy part… but choosing a position… oh to do such a thing is difficult. I am often called, and call myself indecisive and I am, oh I really and truly am extremely indecisive… but it is not because I am lazy or do not care… no I care very much it is simply my dichotomies fighting again…

And here I see I have drifted out on a tangent, and reading over that last paragraph I see how I got to the topic of this meandering musing, how inadequate those words those phrases are how not true they appear in this black print… I look at it and cannot help thinking that some may think that these words suggest I’m insane… oh I’ve never claimed to be sane… I truly don’t think anyone is completely sane… but I also don’t think I’m insane… as I speak there it looks as though I am speaking of myself as being multiple people…. But the dichotomies are simply part of the whole and without them I would not be me…

How can we describe ourselves shortly and concisely only in one way?

We are who we are. And as a favourite author of mine (of which there are many but in this case it’s Terry Goodkind) has written, “we can be nothing more or less than we are”**

**(Note: It’s very, very early in the morning at a time most would consider late at night… I did not look up the quotation and so it may not be completely accurate but its close enough I think that it does not matter very much)

Introduction (If you're wondering what's going on click here)

Well I don't know that I need to explain... or whether you want to read an explanation but seeing as that has never stopped me before here I go.

I had a blog a while back and I kept it up infrequently for a while... but due to many circumstances, including not having access to the internet at home, it fell by the wayside. Well my desire to blog has been rekindled also by many circumstances including the fact that I now have internet access in my house, and reading the blogs of many others including Phoenix (who I'd link to but his is passworded), Homie Bear, Life's Anthems, and Between Lightning and Light

The musings I have placed here that are dated before today... were written on the days they display but were snatched from the storage room of my computer's memory... I'm sure if I searched hard enough I could find more... but I don't really know that its necessary.

Now a warning for those who haven't already caught on (ie by reading my first post) I tend to write in this sort of thing late at night when the thoughts swirling aroundin my head do not allow me the simple pleasure of sleep... other people simply call this insomnia (but that's not as fun). The posts will likely vary greatly in content depending on mood, what had happened during the day... etc. And no one... I repeat no one is obliged to finish reading any of my posts... whether you are friend or foe my ramblings often make little sense to some and or resonate with others...

Now that you are warned you are also welcome to post comments to tell me what you think of my thoughts, or to do some random rambling of your own. Drop a gem and get everything off your head... or just say hi.

Oh... and please excuse randomly placed commas, and typos that I am sure are more than rampant throughout these postings... keep in mind most of them are done late at night (or early morning) when I am quite exhausted, I do little or no proofreading, and I'm not doing them to be perfectly gramatically correct I'm writing to just get stuff out of my head.

Enjoy

~Em

Things (pondering on consumerism and environment)

Well this is a little bit different from my previous musings in one way... It is not written while I am suffering from insomnia... though I'm dead tired so I figure the result should be pretty darn close to the same.

Well the cousins are leaving today after being here for a week and half (for a week of which they were staying at my house) . And I have to say I am actually a bit relieved. Oh, they're wonderful boys for the most part... very nice... but a week is almost too long to have four of them running around your house. Particularly because they are all at ages where patience... or understanding the need for some quiet time... or for realizing that yes, people do sleep past 7:30 and that chasing eachother about the house is not an activity appreciated by others at that time in the morning. *rolls her eyes*

But anyway Matt and Sem's parents should be hear within the next ten minutes... and then I'll get a modicum of peace... and then Sunday or Monday (not sure which at this point) the rest of the family is off on holidays (I stay here because of work). While I would like to go with them it will be nice to have some quiet, peaceful time in the house.

Well I've just looked over what I've written previously and its much to factual and coherent to fit in with my other posts so I think I'll abandon the daily rote of what is happening in my life and go on to more abstract musings....

People seem to be obsessed with things... we don't ask people "to watch our things/stuff", we say "she/he has so much", "Oh wouldn't you love to have that?" and many, many more phrases of the like. I am certainly not innocent of this myself... as I often think about what I would get if I had the money... though it invariably seems to involve computers, books, music (playing or listening), or some sort of equiptment for outdoor activities (bikes, kayaks and the like)...

But it really hit me today as something that was pervading in the air... perhaps its the presence of my aunty Beth and her son who have been here for over a week now. They are nice people and also very wealthy... and obsessed with stuff...

Gareth quite frequently will send me e-mails... or talk to me on the phone about the new such and such he has... his mother is constantly shopping... and it doesn't seem to really make either of them any more happy really.

I, personally am very hard put to understand this... oh, I am certainly not thrifty if I go out wiht my friends I tend to spend money... but usually on food or something to share between us... (or a movie and they are so expensive lately that a movie alone is enough to get rid of the money burning a hole in your pocket)...

But even that I can see in relation to the whole phenomenom of consumerism... in developed countries it seems that that is the driving theme the cogs of the wheel that drive the whole system... the need for more stuff... But its not so much a need as a burning desire... its the demand that keeps the supply coming... or perhaps it is the supply of so much that creates the demand that drives this wheel...

I really don't know and the one who can figure it out definitively will have modern economics pinned down.

It is in our blatant and rampant consumerism that everything seems to run... but it also appears to be giving us a growing sense of momentum as we hurtle down a slope that could eventually lead to our doom.... (my that was a bit fatalistic of me wasn't it?)... But it really is something to think about... the more we take out of the earth the less there is... but not only are we taking resources out of the Earth we are also putting pollutants back in. This spells disaster for many species every day and as we begin to burn holes in the food web the worry is that this will come back and hit us...

As a species we have a mentality not unlike a twenty year old guy (or girl for that matter), we seem to beleive that as a species we are untouchable... immortal and will be here forever. But like the twenty year old if we fall off the cliff the species will go... exitinct. Its happened to many species before and it can happen to us if we aren't careful... and all our concrete and iron buildings, all our designer clothes, our gas-guzzling vehicles aren't going to save us... nope, in fact if we continue the expansion of these and the other industries at the rate they are growing now... they may do the opposite.

"Progress" seems to be the watchword of the day, a country's successfullness is measured in its growth (per capita, per annum) but perhaps a different scale should be used. Scientists have done this experiment many times... students have heard it in science and done questions related to it in math many, many times over.... if there are bacteria/rabbits/[insert rapidly growing population here] doubling every day... or even every year... it doesn't take long for the space to fill, the food to run out... all the incredible little multitude of limiting factors to come into play in their lives and well then good bye population.

Now people may argue all they want that this is in a closed system, but my answer to that is that we are in a closed system. We might be able to send people up in space... but we aren't getting any life sustainging resources up there... the earth is in and of itself a closed system and we are stuck on it.

Now I don't want to sound all doom and gloom... because I'm not. I just think we need to change our attitudes... rather than more, more, more and grow, grow, grow... I think we should concentrate on balance. I truly believe we can live in a certain balance... not that it would be easy and it would take a few generations... but by cutting back on a lot of our production of goods we do not need and that don't even really add that much to our lives, by concentrating on our effect on the environment... on taking as little from the Earth as possible... by slowly changing our lifestyle we can save the Earth for generations to come.

And I think that's something everyone could agree is a worthy cause... I mean like I said at the beginning we are obssessed with stuff... we're greedy little buggers and shouldn't we want to keep the largest 'thing' we have in good condition: the Earth.

Over and out.

Nature of Humanity (essentially the same or different?)

The world is full of people who, individually, are more variable than the shapes of snowflakes but who seem to become almost identical when placed in a large group. I suppose I’m a bit of a person watcher… it comes from simply sitting and watching/listening rather than talking to people, and its amazing the differences you see when you really look at a person everything from appearance, to mannerisms, to personalities. But if you take a step backwards and look at different groups of people, the larger the groups the fewer differences between them you see. I’m not talking about appearance or clothing but more in terms of behaviour. This makes me wonder whether this indicates that we are essentially all the same at the core or that our sameness is superficial and it is only in the elimination of too many important details, of pulling the microscope back too far. So that the differences are lost.

This in turn makes me wonder whether it really matters, but then again isn’t it the question that we all seem to ask ourselves… what is different about me… or am I the same as those around me? Are we the same as those we dislike or are we different.

Our construction, the biology bit of it in any case, would lead one to suspect that we are all essentially the same. Every living being on this earth is given shape using the same language or code. The same repeating sequences of amino acids, phosphates and sugars. So perhaps on that basis every living being is essentially the same at the core. Then can we justify hate or revulsion of any other living thing… even something so widely loathed as a spider or a cockroach? Or are we simply repulsed by such things as the show us aspects of ourselves we don’t want to see?

On the other hand the variation possible using the genetic code is so vast as to be innumerable… so the potential for difference, the basis upon which we are all built gives immeasurable variety.

If, however, we are essentially different does that not leave us even more isolated from those around us? Does I not make us, as individuals compleyely unable to truly understand one another only able to reach across the great chasm that separates us from everyone else with a tenuous and fragile line of shared situation, language, touch…

Both outlooks seem bleak as I’ve written them here. And perhaps they are. But here I will adopt an existentialist viewpoint: Things are bleak, they always will be so all you can do is keep on going and try lessen the bleakness…

Anyhow back to the question at hand…. Both viewpoints seem so mutually exclusive and yet I find that I believe both… and I don’t mean to say that in such a way that suggests I believe one in some situations and the other in others… I believe them both… simultaneously. I believe both that everyone, every person, every being share the same essential core, not of humanity… but of… life, I suppose. Though that isn’t even quite the right word for it. I believe that because of this core common to all that we are all intrinsically connected… kind of a collective unconscious of all life… But at the same time I believe that we are all isolated from everyone, and everything else by our access to the world. Everything we see, we know, we are told, is filtered through our senses, our experiences. I truly believe that no one can truly understand another person’s feelings or experience even if they have gone through the same… I suppose an easy example would be someone who likes mushrooms as opposed to someone who doesn’t. They both have eaten the same thing… but both have come to completely different conclusions… and perhaps even taste completely different things.

Wll anyway yet another reason why I tend yo consider myself one big bag of contradictions…. Heck just look at the characters that pop into my head… all of them have come from me and really are just different aspects of me. I sometimes feel I have more personalities than someone diagnosed with the disorder… Its just that all mine are blended together in one mix that is then what the world sees…. Or doesn’’t see thather…. There are some personalities that are much stronger than others… at least on the surface. Scathach for example represents a darker more aggressive side of me… but though it seems a strong piece it is really quite buried under the rest of my traits… which is probably one of the reasons I enjoy writing her character so much… it allows me to unbury that side of me and just get some of it out.

Well, anyhow, enough from me… its almost 3:00 and I’ve gotten enough out of my mind that I should be able to sleep now… sometimes I think that writing these Random Musings, as I’ve taken to calling them, is really just a non-magic version of a pensieve (A reference to Harry Potter for those who started giving me weird looks at that moment) they allow me to just lay thoughts that are swirling around my head too quickly to quiet them… and then they lose their urgency and sort of return quietly to the back-shelf until next time… anyway I have to work tomorrow so I tear myself away from these writings with some reluctance. Until next time…